How we self-sabotage: the lies we tell ourselves

We are familiar with the voice in our head. The one that tells us to stay in our comfort zone, that urges us to not rock the boat, that laments, 'don't bother trying'. It may be as quiet as a whisper or as loud as a roaring waterfall. By becoming more self-aware of our justification lies, only then we can find freedom to live the lives we truly want.

I wish I could tell you that I'm someone who has taken big risks. I am not; like many, I have chosen stability many times over, following the age-old saying, 'don't rock the boat'.

Tell me if this sounds familiar to you:

• Are you feeling stuck and unfulfilled in your current job but yet unsure on how to make a transition?

• Are you feeling overwhelmed with life's priorities, yet finding that your own needs and desires are not being met?

• Have you ever held yourself back from a life-changing opportunity, finding reasons to not take it up instead of finding reasons to do so?

Many of us have been taught to live in a box based on what we know, what is expected of us and what we think we can have.

But why do we stay in the safety of our comfort zone? How have we, with age, become more risk - or rather, possibility-averse? What do we repeatedly tell ourselves when faced with life-changing possibility?

ENTER THE SABOTEUR

In coaching, we define the saboteur as the negative self-talk that sabotages our potential for happiness and a fulfilling life. When we are on the verge of making transformative change, our saboteurs show up and limit us from unleashing our true potential. The bigger the dream, the louder the voice becomes.

When we are on the verge of making transformative change, our saboteurs show up and limit us from unleashing our true potential. The bigger the dream, the louder the voice becomes.

So, what are some justification lies our saboteurs tell us? How can they, seemingly helpful, actually be holding us back from having the life we truly want?

#1 The lie of enough: 'I am not enough, and whatever I do, I will never be enough.' We set high expectations on ourselves and compare ourselves to the success of others. We chide ourselves for not being smart/good/fast/capable/etc enough. The saboteur tells us it helps us to achieve more, and yet, in our relentless pursuit of achievement, we still feel emptiness.

#2 The lie of selflessness: 'I have responsibilities; I can't just drop them to pursue my dreams.' We may tell ourselves that we will be okay as long as everyone else we care about are happy. It is difficult for us to say no to people. We fear disappointing others and the resulting price we pay is heavy. We end up living our lives for others and when we are finally alone with our thoughts, we feel the dull tinges of resentment or hopelessness. Our hearts start to feel the weight of an unmet longing for something that was truly important for ourselves.

#3: The lie of control: 'I need to be in control of my life'. Here, the belief is that order is good; ambiguity and uncertainty are to be avoided at all cost. When faced with an opportunity which exceeds our threshold for risk or ambiguity, we back away. We become afraid to fail, to make mistakes, and often have anxiety from catastrophizing what could go wrong. We forgo opportunities out of the fear of a loss of control. The reality is that change and uncertainty are constant in life, and many things in life (including success) are not controllable.

SO WHAT IF I TELL MYSELF LIES?

If any of the above resonate with you, it may be helpful to introspect and name the voices in your head - give them personas, if you will! Next, think about how have they served you in the past, and also how they may be limiting you in the present - I'm curious to hear what lies you uncover!

These saboteurs have been and will always be a part of us. But, all is not lost. With awareness and self-management, one can overcome our own justification lies. Having recently completed the Positive Intelligence mental fitness program and received coaching myself, I've learnt to label and better manage my own saboteurs, and also support my coachees with their saboteurs.

Think of these self-sabotaging voices as tendencies, i.e. 'I have a tendency to control, to judge myself, to please others at my expense'. By separating the saboteur from your identity, you reclaim your self-authority to make conscious life decisions.

By separating the saboteur from your identity, you reclaim your self-authority to make conscious life decisions.

With this increased awareness, I'd like to leave you with a challenge: label all the saboteurs in your life (I call one of mine, 'Trump Hulk'). Then, invite them to a meeting with you - what would the meeting agenda be?

I know mine would be: 'Let's rock the boat'.